Image via We Heart It
I was sitting at my desk with the Beau next to me at his desk. I looked up from my computer and said, “I really want to shop. Really, really want to shop.”
He cocked his head to me. “It sucks, doesn’t it? Fighting that addiction?”
Tackling Debt, Again from Money Smart Fashion popped up today. In it, Grace writes, “I’m going to tell you guys something that I’m not too proud to admit. I’ve had a serious case of the “I Wants” lately. My shopping has been creeping out of control and has been taking focus away from my financial goals. Having a new jacket or shirt or shoes has started to take precedence over my debt payments.”
Then a few posts later, I read Amy Uhrich’s The Emotional Effects of Overconsumption. Amy said, “Nevertheless, my wishlist grows ever longer, and with a tighter budget than ever before I’m having even more trouble dealing – coveting until I start hocking clothes on eBay for cash, until my chest aches and I actually become saddened, lamenting the fact that I just can’t afford that coat or those shoes right now, no matter how much use I might get out of them (and it’s still worth stressing the might).”
Even Tamara responded to my cries on Twitter, “‘I’ve been feeling a totally weird shopping compulsion lately, it’s unlike me. I even commented on it to @BlackJackCats today!….seriously, i was wondering if i was manic depressive or something.”
I realized I wasn’t alone. It’s hard to go through the phases of getting it all under control and having the cravings kick in. You try to curb it with a series of small purchases, ones that won’t hurt your budget, but they keep building up.
The wants. The strong wants. The ones where you give yourself 48 hours to forget about them, but you don’t.
And I’m making sacrifices. The Beau moved in, so our expenses have gone up. He’s currently unemployed, so I’m trying to balance all of our expenses on my paycheck. Suddenly my goals are lost– my credit card won’t be paid off next month like I had hoped.
But that doesn’t matter, because here I am wanting desperately and passionately about $500 worth of new clothes. New clothes I can justify because my wardrobe has gotten weak: no longer is it season-ready, but it’s filled with a series of summer only clothes; I’m so tired of wearing the sames pieces over and over again that I’m ready to sell it all for a new blouse. New clothes I can’t justify because I want to pay off my debt; new clothes I can’t justify because there are more important needs at home.
The point is, you want want want. It creates this dead hole in the center of you, like you’ll be magically full once you have the new, pretty, soft clothes, shoes, accessories in your arms. It reminds you of reading the Shopaholic books
How do you break through the cravings and urges? How do you balance the responsible with your wants and desires? Have you ever skipped groceries for that pair of boots (I haven’t)? While I realize that I’m much better about curbing my desires than many, there are still times I slip and trip up. How do you get past that guilt?
I’ve been trying to ween myself on a few, small purchases when this happens… but it doesn’t always help keep the feeling from creeping back up….
{ 30 comments… read them below or add one }
Man, I wish I had a magic formula for dealing with the “I wants.” The only thing that’s really worked for me is to set concrete, non-clothing goals. I want to take cross-country skiing lessons this winter, and visit friends in NYC, and get my car hardwired so I can use my mp3 player in it … since my mind focuses on fashion as a default, everything else falls to the wayside. When I force those other financial goals, I can keep the style spending in check.
Sally´s last [type] ..Stylish Looks with Flats
For anyone that reads this comment, I haven’t shopped in two weeks shy of a year today. I have not bought clothing and at times even went without buying anything at all. With that being said, I can honestly say that I am just scratching the surface on how to deal with the “I wants!” There are things that I want so bad and of course in two weeks I can justify all my purchases with, “But I haven’t shopped in a YEAR.” Which brings up a great point… do we allow the things in our lives to become execuses for why we shop in the first place. My shopping addiction drew directly from my moods. I think its not coincidence of fate that I went through the toughest life changes anyone could ever go through during this year. I got flooded out of my house and lost my job… all things that emotionally ran the gamut, but I didn’t shop.
One mantra that I have recently developed is pretty simple… its the fact that there will always be something… so to miss out on one thing now means isn’t so bad. There is always going to be a great black vintage dress. There will always be a great pair of boots. There will always be jeans that fit *even if we have to look really hard*. Just because we pass up on one thing doesn’t mean we will regret it forever…
Alyson´s last [type] ..Shedding Some Years
alyson, that’s the best thing i’ve read in a while… it’s so true, especially since i tend to shop emotionally as well. yikes.
jennine´s last [type] ..Lanvin Hearts H&M Video Preview
I know the feeling. I’ve been cutting back my spending drastically this past year in order to pay off debt and save for a car, but the urge to shop hasn’t subsided. In fact, I think it’s gotten worse now that I’ve cut back. I try to remember that once my debt is gone and I have a new car the clothes and shoes will still be there, in fact there will be better things.
Since starting my blog a little over a month ago I’ve felt the urge to shop growing. Last month I bought and then returned almost $700 worth of clothes. I do take a little pride in returning them, since usually i would have kept them even if they didn’t fit out of laziness.
Mint.com is what has helped me. Somehow seeing my budget get out of control is more upsetting to me than the want for a new pair of jeans, which I really do need but if I can only afford one they are going to be perfect. Knowing that I should be saving money doesn’t affect my spending much but seeing it in writing and seeing the little line that is my shopping budget turn bright red because I’ve spent too much is motivating. It is sort of like when your english teacher in high school would circle things in red “THIS MUST BE FIXED”
Seriously Mint.com is amazing!!
Betsy (Miss B)´s last [type] ..251
being currently unemployed (though the new job starts on monday) has been bad for me. shortly before being made redundant, i was approved for a credit card with a sensible credit limit. and then the job went. the pay didn’t stop for a couple of months, so i had a little disposable income too. and, actually quite unlike me, i went clothing crazy (now, don’t get me wrong, i love clothes, but as with you, i started cohabiting fairly recently, which took its toll on my income so hardly ever bought anything). this time, however, i have been unstoppable.
i’ve been reasonably clever in finding like for like (£85 whistles shorts, identical, but for €18 in a french supermarket, for example) but there have been a couple of items which have induced a bad case of “don’t care how, i want it now”. and my credit card has taken a beating.
now, back to reality, to start the new job and to not look at any clothing websites. at all. or at least, not until january…
grania @ crumbsfordinner´s last [type] ..Roasted New Potatoes
I definitely can relate to having the “I wants.” After recently getting married and having my husband move in with me, we’ve been working on putting a budget together for the two of us. At first, he was unemployed so I couldn’t justify any spending (and I didn’t shop). But now, a month later, he has begun working, so we decided to go shop for some work clothes for each of us. However, I realized that my “addiction” was bad when I got in a bad mood when I didn’t find anything I liked in my size. The next day I went out and bought too much clothes (spending more money than I had wanted to).
I think one of the biggest things that will keep me motivated to keep my spending is in check is that for the first time, it’s not just MY budget. It’s OUR budget. For once there will be someone to see every purchase I make and I don’t want to disappoint him by overspending.
We’ll see how it goes!
Rachael at http://styleeveryday.com
Rachael´s last [type] ..Oh those silly spammers- A look inside my spam filter
thanks for writing this ashe! i have been dealing with this a lot lately with the move, everyone being so dressed up in new york, the job where it’s required for me to talk about new clothes. all of it.
i don’t know how to get through it. but i do know that new clothes don’t make a person happy.
:)
jennine´s last [type] ..Lanvin Hearts H&M Video Preview
Honestly we all have different cravings. What happened to me is after High School I had 30,000 in the bank, but my mom had a spending problem and soon that was all gone, but I accepted it because she co-signed my school loan for about the same amount. I got to school and sadly got credit cards and couldn’t get a job at all so I was living off the loan money. The next year I took off from school and lost control over my life. I went back then studied abroad, but my problems with money and my need to help my mom wouldn’t go away. Finally I moved to Cali. I couldn’t make rent a lot of things happened because of that and I ended up homeless, but a friend helped me out and eventually I got a job and I’m working, but the thing is I learned from those awful months that saving is much better than living without a home or food to eat and sometimes it’s that rude wake up call that makes you realize that “Hey would you rather have new shoes or would you rather have a roof over your head” it was all put in perspective. I still help my mom out some, but not like I used too. I just can’t anymore. Anyway the lesson is put it in perspective if you really want something then wait for it. If you can’t wait then invest your money into something that will bring you more cash flow…make crafts try consulting anything and it will work out. Everyone can do it if they are passionate enough to do it.
Thought-provoking post, and I can definitely relate, especially as the seasons change…something about the wonderful colors and cool air of autumn makes me want to refresh and replenish my clothing stock, like a squirrel gathering nuts. Then comes spring, when I’m so ready for fresh air and change…more specifically, lightweight, cheerful new clothes…
I do manage to resist most of the time.
I do a lot of bookmarking into a browser folder called “Idle Wishes” — I almost feel like I’ve put an item into a cart and made it “mine” when I bookmark it. Then I can let it sit there for a few months until it goes on deep sale or until I’ve lost interest in it.
I also reexamine my closets and drawers seasonally, including the basement storage where I keep costume and vintage pieces, to see if there’s anything I’d forgotten about that might be stylish and useful again, and might put off my “new stuff!!” craving.
Fortunately, the fall fashion urge also coincides with holiday and December birthday wishlisting for me…that’s a good place to express my cashmere and jewelry dreams!
Finally, my husband and I share the credit card. If I can’t give a reasonable explanation for a fashion purchase, well, it had best not happen.
Cloud of Secrets´s last [type] ..Bibbidi Bobbidi Boo
I want want want too. I’ve been indulging recently, and I’ve needed some things, but it has to stop now. One thing that did help a little bit: I went to a shop and tried on a few fabulous dresses that I absolutely couldn’t afford, took pictures in the changing room, and blogged about it. The resulting post turned out to be a bit of a hit and it actually did take away my need to own the dresses. I’d already ‘had’ them, however briefly, and it was documented!
Otherwise though, I think I’m just suffering like the rest of you!
Emily, Ruby Slipper Traveller´s last [type] ..Flashback! Oaxaca 2009
This is certainly something I can relate to. Having been bit by the grownup bug and buckling down and plopping money into savings, buying our house, etc… my priorities and responsibilities have shifted drastically over the past year. I definitely get bummed when I want to go and do some serious shopping then feel guilty for spending money.
Three words: mint dot com.
Somehow, looking at all those pretty charts and graphs telling me how much money I don’t have acts as a great deterrent.
Seriously though, I can completely relate. You just have to ignore it, take an internet break (or a break from whatever your source of exposure to the things you covet most is), call a friend or family member, or something else that will take your mind off of it.
Hey there! I found you through another blogger writing about your first post on Finance & the Fashion Blogger – they are such an interesting series of posts. I have been writing a personal finance blog for years (although I am a big lurker on fashion/style blogs), and one of the reasons why I have been hesitating on starting a style blog is because I’m not sure if I can resist the pressure of having new things to write about, all the time.
Do you think writing a fashion blog has made you more prone to shop?
1. Recognizing how much you actually spend per month and per year is a big wakeup call
2. Practicing.
Discipline in stopping yourself from wanting an item on impulse doesn’t come over night. Tons of practice, reminders about your goals and taking breaks from window shopping or online window shopping is the only way.
This.. coming from a girl who spent around $500 – $700/month on clothes before I got my act together
FB @ FabulouslyBroke.com´s last [type] ..Is all that higher education worth it
I’m guilty of it, too, and wanting only creates more want. It comes from the ego which is never satisfied. It just wants more and more and more and is never fulfilled. It’s tough but it’s ok to appreciate a beautiful thing and not have to own it. I love walking through Holt’s (Canadian luxury department store) and just dreaming. I don’t feel depressed because I can’t have the clothes there, I just enjoy the beauty of them and then go home.
I’m starting my 3rd month of a shopping ban that I plan on extending until X-mas shopping for others is over. Here are some things I’ve learned –
First, take a look at your finances. Make a plan to pay off your debt and put your credit cards away for emergencies only… like car problems – not shoe emergencies! :) Figure out how much disposable cash you really have every week/month after subtracting your bills from your income. Start putting a little away every week into a savings account for an emergency fund. Is there a vacation or something major you’re saving up for or can you spend that extra money on anything you want? Either way, you simply have to be mature and accept living within your means no matter how depressing it may be.
Second, go through your entire wardrobe and see how much stuff you really have. When I did, I felt super guilty for wanting more stuff when I have plenty. Also, do the things you want even fit into your lifestyle? You have to be realistic about your job/life & not buy a bunch of fun cocktail dresses if you never go anywhere to wear them. (Big problem of mine.) What key pieces are missing from your wardrobe? Do you think you need them because of pressure to stay on trend or would you be able to complete a ton of outfits with these items? You’ve lived this long without those pieces so… but if you feel you HAVE to have them to make your wardrobe complete, shop carefully for things that will last.
Third, just avoid torturing yourself altogether and don’t browse online or go into stores where you’ll be tempted. It takes 3 weeks to break a bad habit. If you shop emotionally or out of boredom, like I do, find something else to do, like take walks, read, or try a diy project, etc.
With fashion blogging, a lot of your material comes from things you want and things you’ve bought. The pressure to keep up with new things is terrible. I’ve been trying to write posts on random stuff lately and avoiding the wants. It’s soooo hard. I really feel for you. Good luck lady!
Lara´s last [type] ..easy felt bird ornaments
For me, it’s treading a fine line; I’ve had to ‘deprive myself’ (and yes, that’s how I see it!) for the last year, and now I have a bit of extra cash I have been dying to splurge. I used to buy fabulous shoes, but now I feel too guilty – it’s sad and restrained at the same time. It has made me think carefully about buying well – I’ve been spending this precious spare money on items that are versatile and nicely made – I worry though that I have bought a few too many nicely made, versatile items…
I think going cold turkey does wonders – it pulls you out of that loop of just buying something if you quite like it, which, let’s be honest is most of the problem (I haven’t minded living off Super Noodles for a few days if it meant I had something that I really loved and wore all the time). Having said that, no-one’s immune. Even I have splashed out on something extravagant lately – as you know from my last post!! Thanks so much for your comment by the way – you’re now one of the many who encouraged my profligacy!! :)
MrsBossa´s last [type] ..O vintage shops- how you call to me- call to me
I’ve been following this article series with interest. Thanks for linking to my post – clearly, I know what this feels like. I have definitely put groceries on the back burner, and paid my phone bill rather late a number of times, so that I could make clothing or shoe purchases. Wanting all the time really does create a hole inside you. If you’re able to stop shopping (for me, it’s because I have no other choice), you start to notice things you never noticed before. Like, “Man, I have an appalling amount of stuff that needs to go to Goodwill that is eating up a chunk of my living room – Why did I ever buy it?” and “Gee, my wardrobe is actually pretty fabulous. Why did I really think I needed all that other stuff?” It’s a bad, bad cycle, and if you can get out of it, good for you. Things become easier with time. After not having made any purchases for weeks, it occurred to me that I had subconsciously not visited Forever 21 in over a week – whereas I used to haunt it every day. And right now? I don’t really want to.
Amy´s last [type] ..Wardrobe- Lumberjack
Awesome post Ashe! An addiction is seriously the only way to describe psychologically the power shopping has at times. I’ve been working overtime lately trying to overcome my urge to buy every last thing I see.
grace´s last [type] ..A Basic Holiday Spending Plan
I’ve been feeling a bit of a shopping compulsion lately, but I just keep reminding myself of what’s most important to me. Paying off debt and getting this gloomy cloud over my head gone for good is so much more important to me than a new shirt, in the long run.
I’ve been battling a serious case of the I-Wants lately as well. I’m lucky enough to not carry any credit card balances, so the thing that helps me is to check my online bank statements daily. Seeing how much I spend really helps put things into perspective. Also, if I see something I really like, I try not to buy it right away. I wait a day or two, and only purchase it if I still can’t stop thinking about it. That trick alone usually helps a lot.
Kendra
Closet Confections´s last [type] ..Closet Confection- On the Mayflower
I really related to this post. I remember reading the Shopaholic books awhile ago and being so jealous of Becky being able to have the ballsiness to spend so much.
The way I combat the “I wants” is through thrifting. If there’s something that I really like, I usually try to find its doppelganger in the thrift store racks — that way I can whet my appetite a bit without going into debt over it. And then, if I really want the original version, I’ll save for it, but usually having a thrifted version of it is enough for me.
The wants are killer. Im trying to deal with it. I have been good with it lately; but purses bring it out of me badly. I try to do hardcore sales shopping sometimes to fight off the urge for a bit.
I’ve been feeling this for years! I spent 3 years in NYC on between 24-29K a year with an apartment that was $1100 a month. Now I’ve returned to the midwest but am unemployed and paying rent. I have the “I wants” so bad in terms of my wardrobe it hurts! I haven’t been able to spend money on more than necessities in ages. I’d love to get a job just so I could buy a pair of leggings and a new sweater. Heck, food is starting to turn into an “I want” the budget is so low lol. I’ve turned back to sewing and thrifting to help with my wardrobe needs.
LK´s last [type] ..What Not To Do When You Are Moving
My advice is a big different than others, I guess. I agree that following a budget helps create discipline, and that discipline does usually get easier with practice, but sometimes seeing things from a completely different perspective helps as well.
I’m fortunate because I get that shift in thinking on a regular basis from my parents: They lived in China for two years doing humanitarian work, and now they’re in Africa. We talk on Skype and e-mail all the time, and boy, the stories they tell are like a cold shower to my wantswantswants. For a while I struggled with guilt, until I realized that I cannot feel gratitude and guilt at the same time. Gratitude for what I have, an awareness of how MUCH I already have really helps.
One thing I noticed is that to combat my urges to shop is I need regular doses of these reality checks. I suppose it makes sense since we’re constantly bombarded by consumption messages here in North America. So my advice is to find a way to regularly give yourself a mind-shift: read about other cultures and worldviews and times in history, volunteer at a homeless shelter, do something spiritual to remind yourself that it isn’t stuff that brings us happiness, follow a couple of blogs that deal with humanitarian stuff, you get the idea. Move outside your usual circles. Cultivate your gratitude.
Sorry if this sounds preachy, but for me my behaviors didn’t start changing until I got a reality check. It’s harder to feel deprived when I’m reminded that safe drinking water, warm homes, access to medical care, indoor plumbing, and myriad choices in food, clothing and shoes – basically, all the stuff I usually take for granted – is not a given for many, many people.
I buy something small, usually from Etsy or a local crafter. That way, not only am I (sort of) scratching my itch, but I just might be helping another normal gal like me make some money so she can go shopping, too!
Leslie´s last [type] ..CND Shellac Fedora
I try to find something small to treat myself with that gives me a big bang for my buck. It’s good to know that I’m not alone :)
Estava Morioka´s last [type] ..How to Remove Nail Polish…Forreal
Completely hear you and sympathise all the way! I watched Confessions of A Shopaholic with the same mixture of revulsion and recognition. When the recession hit I took to doing a several cost saving things like giving up my daily take away coffee and lunch and bringing it from home instead, cutting down on eating out and using the savings to give myself a wardrobe treat at the end of the month. Its amazing how much superfluous daily expenditure adds up. I also cancelled most of my credit cards so I could only give into temptation if funds were available. I’ve broken out recently from being good and bought loads of stuff I really shouldn’t have after giving into cravings though!
Veshoevius´s last [type] ..Spring Wedding Outfit
I can totally relate to that. I have different phases. Sometimes I don’t really want to shop anything for weeks and the I WANT something new almost everday. Right now I’m going through the spending phase, I guess that’s also fueled by all the ads for Xmas now.
B.´s last [type] ..Watch and start thinking!
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