With the stories of Tropical Storm/Hurricane Fay hitting many friends in Florida and Tropical Storm/Hurricane Gustav headed right back towards my (heart) home, I can’t help but recall my own memories of Hurricane Katrina and the huge impact it made on my life. Today is the 3 year anniversary of that fateful storm, and for better and worse, it has changed the way I live my life forever.
Grieving from the loss of Katrina resulted in one of the most difficult periods of my life: I chose to leave behind my home, family, & friends; I started a new job, and my relationship ended all within 2 1/2 months. Now I watch many friends go through grievance periods of their own, and I can’t help but think about the things I shoulda coulda woulda done to make it better.
The causes of grief can take many forms: the loss of a family member or friend or pet, relocating to another city, a break-up or divorce, the repercussions of a natural disaster (which seem to be increasing), and much more.
While you are grieving, everyone will have advice for you; and though it may feel counter-intuitive to this post, one of the best things you can do for yourself during your grieving period is to allow yourself to be yourself. No one can tell you how to or how long to take to yourself.
When my then-boyfriend & I moved to Bloomington after Katrina, he had adjusted, coped, and moved on with his life in a matter of weeks. He had made friends and was socializing regularly, as though nothing had happened. Being a much more guarded and so to act person though, it was taking me longer though, and he couldn’t understand why I couldn’t just move on with life. Though it caused much strain on our relationship, I was better of taking the time I needed to adjust on my own terms.
One thing I wish I had known then that I know now: don’t try to compensate by filling your life with frivolous happiness. After Katrina, I ended up losing my friends, starting a new job, and then losing my boyfriend. So I shopped. It didn’t matter what I needed to buy, I chose to fill my life emptiness with consumption. Years later, I’ve got credit card debt to my teets and tons of possessions I wish I were without. The same goes for drugs, alcohol, food, exercise; these are all pleasurable things, but overindulging numbs us to what is good about them and further and prolongs our mourning periods.
It was always hard for me to remember that there were people who loved me, respected me, and wanted to see me thrive during these periods. And there comes a time when it is necessary to listen to the voice of outsiders. Whether they’re urging you to go out and meet new people, to go after the job of your dreams, or to seek alternative help, they have your best interests at heart.
Even though it’s now three years later, I can’t say that everyone I know has grieved and recovered from Katrina. For those who stayed, worked, and immediately began living right after the storm, they endured greater stresses and hardships than many of us who left.
Does anyone else have experiences with dealing with grief, either their own or others? How have you handled this period of your life? Are there things you could go back and prevent yourself from doing or wish you could have done better?
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I had to cope with grief on many occasions… The first one was after being attacked 10 years ago, I had to grieve who I was and learn to rebuild myself as well as my whole life. It was hard, but eventually it made me stronger and more mature (i suppose).
I have recently lost a very dear friend and I find myself totally unable to cope with his disappearance. Grieving the loss of someone you love is much harder than grieving for yourself, I find. I don’t know how I will deal with this, or if the funeral will help at all.
Your post was very enlightening though, and the timing, perfect.
I wish I didn’t have anything to say on the subject of grieving though…
xxx
@Mademoiselle Robot – First off, I want to say I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve recently lost a close friend.
I think that you’re very right in saying there is a difference between grieving for yourself and the loss of a loved one. Though I haven’t lost too many people in my life (mostly friends in high school, unfortunately), I found that one thing that helped me a great deal was being around those that shared that love for the recently lost. I hope that, at the very least, the funeral will help put you in touch with those who loved your friend, and who can help you keep his spirit alive.
Thank you for your kind words. You are totally right in your approach (getting together with other people who loved the person you lost). This is exactly what I am doing and it allows us all to remember the good times and focus on the positive rather than the sadness of his death.
On a lighter note, I added you on Twitter, I just found your blog through Independent Fashion Bloggers Links a la Mode and I love it :).
xxx
What a hard time you went through. I feel for you. For me, I dealt with 9/11 better than some other people I knew who were there with me that day, but five years later I had a traumatic month where I witnessed a fatal traffic accident, lost my business partner to secret breast cancer and had to put my dog down. I felt like all my anxieties from 9/11 reawakened after all that, and I haven’t really felt the same since!
@WendyB – I can only imagine how difficult it must have been being in NYC during 9/11, though I can completely empathize with how much more difficult the other tragedies were.
I’ve always admired you for your candor about your relationship with your former partner– losing her must have been difficult enough, but then the way she managed to compromise your relationship…
And gods help me the day anything ever happens to Lottie! I will be a complete MESS, so I definitely understand the difficulties of putting down a beloved pet.
It’s definitely understandable how these incidents reawakened your anxieties– but I admire your ability to maintain grace and a wicked sense of humor through it all!
Great advice. It is so true you just need to be yourself and everyone has a different way of coping.
I tend to focus on all the good in my life. When I feel really down and miserable I start making a mental list of what I am thankful for. Realizing how much there is in my life to be grateful for makes the pain feel less.
@The Clothes Horse – You’ve listed a GREAT suggestion, and one that is often easier said than done! It’s so great that you’re able to focus on the good in your life and all that you’re grateful for– I know I often have a hard time about that one myself!
This post has brought tears in my eyes and hope to my heart. 2008 has been a year I already want to forget. Death, illness and having to say good-bye to my sister as she relocated to a city far away, have had me in the dumps for a while but hearing your inspirational story makes me realize that a lot of what I’m feeling is normal.
Thanks darlin’!
@Dennise – Your comment was so sweet, and definitely warmed my heart! I’m so sorry to hear about the grievances 2008 has brought you– it seems to that 2008 has been a hard year on many. I’m glad that you realize that what you’re feeling is normal, and if you ever want to talk, just shoot me an email!
xox
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